Warning: Obtuse Ramblings (Only for the Bored & the Concerned)
(A More Mature and Enjoyable Post will be Available Shortly)
If there is anything I have learned lately, its that 1) I am a person who, inexplicably, can relate to many things. I don't say this in some higher level of air or step above, please don't take it anything like that, but I for some reason tend to "connect" more than I see in other people. Example: Nick and I were talking about music the other day; Nick is the kind of guy who almost "uses" music as a tool of identity-- I don't mean this in some concious or deliberate manner. But his specific music taste gives him individuality; he likes this type of music, and probably doesn't understand why other people like that kind of music. He is a lover of all things Pumpkins; to him, Billy Corgan is the best thing, the only thing, that has happened to music since Grunge (and since that, Led Zeppelin). That's his trinity-- and I almost... well, not envied him, per se, but it made my 5500+ music collection seem horribly schizophrenic and even shallow. Who is this whore pretending and claiming to identify himself with such diverse music? Max, in an "Honesty Binge" last year, had to (for charity) tell the truth for five hours of what he thought of people. When it came to me, he blurted "Miguel, you like way too fucking much music." I'd go to a RZA concert with Max, and then would see the Allman Brothers with Ryan. Music seemed to be much more pure and honest to a guy like Nick. I told this to him, and he dismissed it thoroughly. He told me that he envied me, because to him I could see the worth of a song he wouldn't waste a minute for; I could relate to more music than he did.
So now, saying that, lately, I've been noticing my areas of "disconnect," where my understanding or empathy is limited. And I've been noticing it's occurring more often than before. In sending that email to the Hinman mail room, I was completely disconnected. I would never have done that a year or two ago; I would've, in a steady rationalization, hesitated in sending the email-- or at least (and most likely) call Janelle like Leo did. Bam, problem solved. My anger though took over, and that's something I've been noticing happening lately more frequently; I'm disconnecting. Right now, I'm upset at a friend of mine who, I haven't been exactly the nicest person to recently. This friend has always been there for me and always the nicest girl, though I have always felt her a little more distant. I would never feel comfortable with her without someone else, and I would always feel like she would kind of give me her shoulder more than her hand. Maybe not that cold, but still I would feel this very present distance that I would, at least I'd would like to think, try to break. Weeks could go without a word, and when I would see the friend again, it would be very artifical and fake (personally, the most despised trait). So when push came to shove, and business mixed with that friendship, I withdrew and became very impersonal- reacting angrily and openly which is very uncharacteristic of me. So when I hear the friend talk about "fake friends" and having only "two or three real friends," it made me very upset, though it made clear to me how disconnected I became of the whole situation. My problem was the same problem my friend was going through; and both of us reacting to it the way we did only fueled antagonisms. And so, I lost a "real friend." And the thing is now, I don't know even whether I want to repair the situation. I, or we could fix it but "fixing it" would mean staying slightly put off at her distance and artificiality which I've always felt. Or maybe she has been reacting to this constantly as well, forever irreparably increasing distance between us. Past mini-scuffles have made me believe this, as it always ends the same (which only makes me more upset). Now, I am not an angry person, and I've never really had to deal with these problems in the past... I don't know whether these areas of disconnect are of me changing as a person, or just the simple different circumstances of past social life and current; that is to say, there are so many variables that I wouldn't know if I would've reacted the same in the past. Regardless, I'm starting to view a divide between my present self and my past, and a typical desire of me yearning back to the past. It's probably unhealthy, though its a frustrating detail as I'm struggling to become a better person in the disheartening light of disconnects and careless errors that seem so absurd and irreparably wasteful. How does self-hope function in circumstances that I see so hopeless? Oh geez. My emotions has led to opaque and vague words. But now I can shake this nagging feeling of mine off, and hope I gained some clarity for sleep.